Tag Archive: Humor


My wife Accidentally gave my phone number out to a company that’s going to call me after work and try to get me to spend money. Rather than ignoring the phone call, I’m going to pick it up in the Voice of Gollem, and repeatedly ask them if they have my precious.
—–

So… They called an hour earlier than what they were requested. And I answered, as Gollem. He asked for me and I just kind of mumbled and finished with “what?” The guy paused Momentarily on the phone, then just started going off on his speech, clearly not really paying attention to me at all. so I interrupted him.

“Do you have my precious?”

He stops.. and for a second there’s dead air.

“I’m.. sorry?”
“My Precious! Do you have my precious?”

*More dead air for a moment. I hear clicking in the background. no doubt checking to make sure he called the right number.*

“Is this Wayne?”

“Why? Does he have my precious?”

More dead Air

“I’m slightly confused.”

“It’s simple, do you have my precious-es?”

*Deep sigh from the phone. * “Sir, you aren’t being very professional.”

“Professional? Listen to him precious he talks about professional, calling people with lies , making people feel safe and false hope so they can steal my precious-es.”

I hear him make a noise.. I’m not sure if it’s a laugh, or a scoff, it cuts off quickly, he obviously has muted me. A moment later he comes back.

“When you decide that you want to be serious about what I..”

I got pretty emphatic at this point, clearly he deserved it. Obviously he wasn’t listening to me at all!

“I am being serious, I’m being serious that I want my precious” 

*more dead air*

“Good bye sir”

If you’re going to fish for money, expect someone to go outside of the box.

Starting about June of 2013 I Started getting random phone calls from companies looking for a guy named “Peter”. The first call that started this was a warranty company who was asking if I wanted to extend the warranty on his Ferrari. It happened on and off, and then completely stopped for a while. Just before the Christmas break they started up again. I got phone calls from his bank, from a Doctor’s office, and from his Parole officer. His Missed his Parole meeting last week his officer was pissed. 

So a few minutes ago my phone rang, and it was some guy from a company trying to sell updated siding and windows for older homes. I informed him that I wasn’t peter and that he has the wrong number, added that Peter has been giving out my number for some time now. The telemarketer was kind of stunned, and he went silent on the phone. At this point I decided to kind of roll with it. I added that peter missed a call from his Parole officer because he apparently missed his parole meeting, and his officer wasn’t happy. This seemed to push the guy and he went back to his script and asked if I had a house, I told him yes but it’s a new build and I don’t need new windows. He ignored my statement went back to his script and I said “No, no, it’s fine… I don’t…” He kept on Ignoring me continued his script. I got to admit, I rather admired the guy for his tenacity at this point given what I’ve thrown at him. So I said “Hey look, I’m at work, so this isn’t the time. I’m going to let you go, but do me a favor. If you ever get a hold of this peter guy, tell him that his Wife’s OB-GYN called and her pregnancy test came back positive. If he’s on the lamb he needs to know that he has a baby on the way.” The telemarketer clearly in shock stammered on the phone, he was making noises but not so much words, like he kept starting a word but was unable to finish beyond the first letter. After a few seconds of this he managed to get out quickly “Have a good day sir” and hung up.

OMS! SNOW!

I live in an area of the country where we do not get much snow, when we do it’s a little skiff  and it’ gone in an hour or two. About every 5-6 years do we see any snow of any amount of consequence here. Last Wednesday morning was that day. 

I was planning on sleeping in, as that does not happen very often. But for some reason my body decided to torture me with making me get up at the ass crack of dawn. I figured I’d get up and get the kids on the bus. So I wake the wife “Babe, do you me to get the kids up so you can sleep” She looks at me and says “No.. no one.. is going.. anywhere…”  I at first thought that she was being sarcastic. She saw the look of utter skepticism on my face and she said “Go look outside.” I got out of bed go to the window open the window coverings and stare out into the eerily bluish morning light, and the first words out of my mouth was… “what in the f*** is that shat?” Isn’t this supposed to be the first day of spring? And we get snow? Ugh.

Now bear in mind that I’m not a native to this part of the country. I grew up in Utah where seeing a fresh blanket of 7 inches of snow was common place, you knew it was coming and you dealt with it because you had to. Here… people see snow so rarely that no one knows what to do with it.  I ironically had already taken the day off for other reasons.  Even if I had not, I would have called in anyway. Not because I could not get into work, but because snow here, makes people crazy. I can drive in snow just fine, I know how. It’s the other 300k people who are on the borderline to snapping.  They freak out because they do not know how to deal with it, as in drive in it, know how to dispose of it, or what do it when it falls. People will abandon their cars on the road because it scares them so much.

I used to make the analogy that when the fist snowflake hits your car windshield, they turn around drive with their ass, get home Cannibalize their family and hibernate in a pile of bones until spring. If it wasn’t nearly a lubricious thought process for most people, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s actually happened. It’s days like today that I made sure that when I moved here, I kept my snow shovel. It’s been collecting dust for a few years at this point I had to dust it off.  While the city went into a panic and shut down for the day I’m kickin it on some Dark Souls, enjoying my virtual struggle for survival in a of death.

While sitting at home, enjoying the day off helplessly invading and attempting to kill people who have the audacity to regain their humanity in a virtual world. I hear a loud CRACK. I wandered over to the window to find that a gigantic tree that’s probably been there for 70 years, has lost an enormous limb.

The children who’ve not seen snow in many a years was excited, and went outside and frolicked in the snow. Despite my many pleas to my wife, she would not let me bury the neighbors cars in in it. She keeps telling me to stop trying to scare the natives, but where’s the fun in that?

The next day, despite the fact that many people abandoned their jobs for a second day, I went into work. I reckoned that it looked similar like an atomic winter outside, and people gave me dirty looks.  On the way home my wife called and asked me to pick up a few things. I was driving through a residential neighborhood and the amount of tree damage from a little bit of snow is absolutely insane.

I stopped and took several pictures, and just marveled at the damage, from 7 inches of snow. We’d get 20-30 inches in Utah and they trees would not collapse. The only thing I can figure is that here it rains so much that the root system doesn’t go very deep, it’s very shallow, (when the ground was already saturated from several days of rain) so enough weight will rip the trees  out of the ground. I reason this because this isn’t a desert, the roots don’t have to sink 50-60 feet in the ground to get water. It’s readily available. This is one street, probably about 20 feet, and this is not even some of the worst damage, there are massive pine trees that are laying across roads. there are segments of the city that are still out of power.

I got completely distracted from the task at hand, and I keep driving, and marveling at the damage, after a while I start to notice something different.  The snow in peoples drive ways and sidewalks  and curbs hasn’t been moved, it’s still sitting in huge mounds on the ground where it fell. I started to feel like I was driving through New York  at the end of Ghostbusters, where the Stay Puff Marshmallow man explodes leaving massive piles of white marshmallow everywhere. That’s what it looked like.

The snow is gone now, but it’s humorous to say the least.

It was cold.

My wife and I spent the better part of the last two weeks in Utah, really not at our choice; but we roll with the punches. So while we were sans kids for a few days we realized that we have some really bizarre conversations when the kids are not around. Many of them came at the oddest of times.  Since last week was Christmas, and my wife has this love of pretty lights, and we were in Utah – we went to downtown Salt Lake City looking at Christmas lights; because it’s always full of pretty lights. This is absolutely more for her than me. I couldn’t care less about ‘pretty lights’. This also happens to be in the Mormon Temple square area because that’s where they do the most lights. This is my wife’s thing; she loves Christmas lights even if she has to tolerate some religious bullshit in the middle of it. However, every once in a while she surprises me.

On the top of all of the Mormon temples is a statue of an angel with a huge horn. So my wife looks at it starts laughing and says “You know from this far away, all I can see is a long tube with a ball on the end. I can’t tell if that’s’ a horn, a bong, or if he’s giving someone a blowjob.” Yup, babe, you nailed it. He’s giving god a blowjob.”

I’m not sure if anyone heard that, but I’m pretty certain that most people would either find that offensive, or amusing. While most of the people we ran into were nice enough, there were those that made you want to slap them and make obscure references to pagan rituals that they are destroying for the sake of an invisible man in the sky.

I digress.

Having spent most of my youth in Utah, you learn a few things. Even with 40 inches of snow on the ground it’s very dry, and as a result we were drinking a lot of water. After a few hours of wandering downtown Salt Lake city I find that I have the need to relieve myself. So I tell her that we need to find a bathroom. Since we happen to just be outside of the temple square she suggests we go into the square and find a visitor center.

I really didn’t want to go into the Square.  It was not that it wasn’t shoulder to shoulder like in years past. It wasn’t even the religious symbolism everywhere, or the fact that people were peddling their beliefs inside like a 2nd hand flea market. It didn’t even make me uncomfortable. If anything it amused me that I’m atheist on the “concentrated” Mormon church grounds taking pictures for the sake of what kind of elegance I can get out of lights more than the architecture or the surroundings. In the end, it was purely that I didn’t feel like traversing inside.

I told her that the only reason why I’d step foot in the square again tonight is if I could go over to the nativity scene and pee on baby Jesus.

She hit me saying it was mean and pretty offensive. Okay fine, but I still refuse to go inside.

The next logical choice is a train depot just down the street. For anyone who’s never seen the light rail in SLC it’s a matter of simplicity. They have tons of little stations but the main depot is downtown. It’s an old Union Pacific Railroad building next to an outdoor mall. This station with the people that are here and the sheer distance is 10 minutes away, but because we had to walk to the train  and Murphy being a cruel mistress, we just missed it. It had just left, so we wait. It was closer to 25 minutes by the time it arrives.  As the train pulled up to the station in front of the UP Building, I’m starting to see yellow, my bladder is screaming at it because it’s very cold, and my bladder doesn’t like the cold. When the train stops I Walk/Run inside to find out that the bathroom is locked and closed for the night. I was standing there stammering trying to think of the next closest place. My wife looks at me and says “Maybe you should have pee’d on baby Jesus.”

Laughing when I have to pee this bad is no laughing matter, Thankfully I found a Barnes and Noble not too far away.

This was a brilliant Piece of improve.

http://improveverywhere.com/2010/07/14/star-wars-subway-car/

in short 5 people got dressed up. Leia, stormtroopers and vader entered a subway train car and then proceeded to play out the capture scene in A New hope.


Shameless plug

http://www.nerdist.com/2010/04/nerdist-podcast-10-live-largo-w-adam-savage-nsfw/

If you are a Mythbusters fan, This is a podcast for you. They hosted Adam savage this last week. This is hilarious it’s worth listening to repeatedly. But I will give a Warning. This is not for children, this has swearing and sexual connotation. It’s made of awesome, but NOT FOR CHILDREN.

Because I have Call of Duty 4 on pause asshole.

Odd Nuances of my office….

So yesterday on my way to the bathroom I noted that there was a box with a Christmas tree in it. Unopened box, looks like it was newly purchased. When I came out of the bathroom, the box had been opened. There was a full tool box full of assorted tools, and guy standing there with a batter run power drill in his hand.  He was staring into the box as if he didn’t know what to do, which you could clearly see that in the box was a tree.
Later that day I walked down the same hallway, the box, the tree and everything was gone…  This morning the tree was there and setup with lights on it.

tell us how you really feel