Category: WTF

I work in a downtown area. our city is plagued with issues regarding drug use. Meth specifically is the biggest local problem. The church behind my office has always attempted to do something. they are always doing some kind of community involvement.  Soup Kitchens, donations, fundraisers etc. Last year when Trump basically declared war on the Islamic faith there were a few mosques in the area that got bomb threats. This church (which is Methodist) opened its doors to those people to come to pray at their building so they had a safe place to worship.  They really seem to understand that the community is super important to a healthy city.

About 18 months ago, they took this to a new level. They started offering rehabilitation for people who are struggling with drug addiction.  The result for the rest of us has been mixed. on one hand, they are doing a good thing on the other hand, it’s brought a mixture of desperate and out of sorts of people. We’ve had car break-ins, peoples gas siphoned and a various number of other issues. Among those is yelling, sometimes they are yelling at others, but often, they are not yelling at anyone. usually, this lasts 30 seconds to a couple of minutes and it stops.

This started happening with increased frequency. We learned to ignore it.

One day I heard it start up about 10:00 am I brushed it off and kept working. until 20 minutes later I realized it was still going on. I left my desk and walked to my back door where I could see a man and a woman fighting they started throwing things at each other. I went to pull out my phone to record it because it was escalating, and as soon as I pulled my phone in my pocket that man cold clocked the woman. Sent her to the ground. I started recording and he walked off and she continued to throw things.

Now some people would get angry at me for not intervening at this point instead of recording it. the fact of that matter is I attempted once to help one of these people who had knocked their shopping cart over and she hit me with a stick. Last summer some random dude who I was going out of my way avoid because he looked high as a kite. Despite my going completely off the sidewalk and on to the grass. stepped in front of me and head-butted me.  I don’t like seeing people hurt, but I’m no longer going to go out of my way to help someone at the potential cost of my own physical safety.

At this point, the staff at the church showed up to help the woman. I called the police and spoke to someone. Because he’s a resident homeless and there’s no way to find this man, they sent me a form via email for the report. I filled it out and emailed them the video footage.

A couple of hours later I go outside and in the church parking lot, I see an ambulance, a rescue paramedic truck, and a police car. The guy from earlier had come back and knocked someone out cold.  I approached the closest officer told him what I saw earlier showed him the footage gave him the police report. They arrested him.

I re-enter the building when one member of the staff approaches me quite excited and says “Hey! you missed all of the fun!”

“You mean the police outside? I didn’t miss anything, I just talked to them?”

“No!” she said “The naked lady in the lobby!”


The story she told me… only seems to fit on a day where everything has gone nuts.  a woman walked in. went into the lady’s restroom stripped completely naked, and ran into the lobby, naked, and was screaming that the bathroom was trying to drown her.

I’m rather glad I missed that.

But it’s not over yet.

A few hours later. I again found myself outside waiting for a car repairment to come out While I was standing there. I saw two guys yelling and swinging their fists at each other, neither of them was the same man from earlier. they were missing each other by 6 inches to a foot. I cringed inside, it lasted another 20-40 seconds, then they screamed profanities at each other and walked away. I breathed deeply. I didn’t want to have yet another police involvement today.

I’m still not done.

The guy showed up, did the car thing. Left. I went inside to gather my things came back out to see a barefoot man wearing only his tighty-whities and a torn white beater screaming about how something is trying to eat him.

I went home and resolved to not go anywhere for the rest of the night.

Crazy people be lurking about.


She wants to see them BURN!

So, a few weeks ago my wife makes the tongue-in-cheek remark “We should have named the dog Ariel.” This annoyed me, but before I reacted because I am not entirely that she is fully aware of my dislike for almost all of the older Disney animations before they acquired Pixar (Pixar is a whole messed up thing on its own, but that’s another topic for another time.) I inquired, “Why is that?” “Because,” she says. “She wants to be where the people are.”

Since that moment whenever I see the dog follow the last person out of the room, or I wake up to her in my bed in the morning, I have that stupid song in my head. So, as I do when I’m annoyed with something that just won’t go away, I turn into Weird Al. This morning I found myself singing the following:

“I want to be where the people are

I want to watch them running, screaming.

I want to watch the world – What’s it called?


“Where they drop nukes from the sun

I just want to be part of your

apocalyptic world!”

And then it occurred to me, what exactly is the social-political Hierarchy in the ocean? Triton himself is a terrible father. To begin with, his consulate is a crab and is basically Ariel’s caretaker. And where is aerials mother? I suppose mer-people could be completely asexual but I’m not even sure if any species of fish does this.

Are their rival factions of Mer-people? The fact that Ursula exists and is clearly outcasted, but she’s a very sentient being, she’s cable of magic and is obviously a threat to tritons throne. Why tho? People aren’t born evil they turn that way due to circumstance, it is safe to assume that the same holds turn for Ursula? She’s obviously a power-hungry megalomaniac and has a vendetta. Clearly, other mer-people know about her, as her cave is littered with what are barely living discarded husks of other mer-people that she keeps around as trophies. Did Triton go to war with the seas witches, all but completely eradicate with them? Complete sea witch genocide – save one? Is that why she’s so obsessed with getting his throne, maybe she’s trying to take back what was taken from her?

There appears to be no war or strife in the ocean, except for the enslavement of other animals to be used as musical instruments. Which is just Disney being weird. Aside from King Triton being Xenophobic and prone to violent, abusive, destructive outbursts referring to humans as “Barbarians, dangerous and fish eaters”. (What do mer-people eat? And so the fact that Ursula is seen popping prawns like bonbons is kind of awful.) Aerial being a hoarder and kleptomaniac and having body image issues with her obsession with becoming human.

Becoming human isn’t the real problem here, I mean, it is a problem. But only part of it. The problem is what this animation teaches. It teaches little girls, young impressionable minds, that who you are doesn’t matter, what does matter is how you look and how you use your body. When the contract is struck with Ariel, Ursula consoles her by giving up her voice, the only thing she needs is her “body language” if that’s not sending a clear message to aerial that she should be seducing him sexually I don’t know what does.

That just addresses the issues I have with the animation. The things that are shown to those observing this world. What occurred to me this morning is, what happens after? Aerial has a new body from the torso down, she has a whole new set of body parts that she previously didn’t have that now she must figure out how to use. A simple task such as using the restroom would be terrifying, I imagine that there are not fish lavatories. Never mind the implications given in the sequel after she’s married, and has a child. She has a whole new set of anatomy and functions that would be horrifying. Not to mention the PTSD that you’d get from it all. And now the Humans know about the mer-people. That’s a whole new problem for both species.

In the animation, we see an ocean at peace. Aside from a few animals that may, or may not be subjugated to being used as musical instruments. The fact that only type of flounder that flounder looks like is a European flounder, which means Eric’s kingdom is in Europe. The castle in the animation looks like the one in Denmark. So, if we assume that’s the whole thing takes place in the implied time period, with horse and buggy, carriages and the fact that people still live in castles seems to indicate that they are in the pre-1700’s era. And if the movie takes place in the late 1600’s to early 1700’s in the North Sea. It probably means it’s one of the major castles in Copenhagen. I only come to this conclusion because in the animation Eric’s ship strikes a rock, which means he wasn’t that far from land. Which means at best Ariel had about 5 good years before being exposed to the human war machine.

Well, this goes to show, that the grass isn’t greener on the other side.

This whole thing, all of it. Was to justify my morbid twisted version of a Disney song. Thanks for reading.

*gasp* the Thought just occurred to me. What if Ursula was King Tritons college fling, he hurt her and now she’s out for revenge.


For the first time in a few weeks I was able to get out for lunch and go for a walk. I’m enjoy the cool breeze and the sunshine  and the quiet.
when suddenly I hear this guy coming up behind me, and he’s talking, loudly to himself. I look up and made the foolish mistake of making eye contact, he takes this as some sort of open conversation invitation. He rides up next to me in the gutter and says…
“Do you know what’s better than 100% Angus?”
Taken aback by the perplexing and shocking question, of which I’m sure there’s a philosophical debate here about what constitutes as “Better”. However, the “correct” answer that this guy wanted so he’d be on his way and leave me in peace was totally lost on me.  I did the only reasonable thing I could do, I  shook my head and shrugged.
“200% Angus!”
It was at this moment,  that for whatever reason, my mouth ran off without me.
“No Sir!” I said
“You would be wrong! it would be 300% Angus!”
It was then, where I wondered if I had just opened the cage to a ravenous beast, as he gets this wildly excited look in his eye, like he just found someone who understands him
“MY GOD Damn! You are correct! That would be much better!”
And he rides off, pumping his fist in the air chanting “Angus, Angus, Angus…”
Somewhat relieved that this encounter was brief and not threatening of any kind, But then it happened. This is where I had to stop a second, and wonder
“What the fuck just happened?!”

This is one of those posts that I should have written a long time ago but didn’t. My sister reminded me of this all-but-forgotten event over the Thanksgiving holiday this last year. When she told me I said, “You know, I should blog about that.” My dutiful wife sent me an email labeled “Unicorn poop, Migration of Jupiter into Uranus, and Ice chucking in Vegas.” What can I say: it was a fascinating conversation that wouldn’t have ever happened if I was at my parents house for the holiday. For the curious, I found that I had blogged about Uranus already. It’s somewhere: I’ll link it later. (Found it  Warning you here tho, that post is NSFW. If you cannot handle raunchy suggestions, just don’t go there.) Just don’t ask about the Unicorn poop. Mostly because I don’t remember. I think it was just a tag to make me go “wtf? I wasn’t that drunk, was I?”

As I believe I have mentioned before, my parents run a home improvement business. They’ve sold and installed carpet, Vinyl, stoves, tile, cultured stone: the whole thing. My father was a jack of all trades- master of EVERYTHING. Last year I called him and said, “Hey, I need to fix a water leak in my sprinkler system.” He talked me through it. I called him and asked, “How do I replace an electronic trigger on my drill?” Again, he talked me through it. He’s probably forgotten more on home improvement and small electronics in the last year than I have ever known how to do.

I should state for the record that this happened in the early 90’s. Every year around the beginning of the year, my parents would attend the Surfaces Floor show in Vegas. In years past my parents had someone keep an eye on us or my eldest sister would. I looked up the show this year to find that it traditionally takes place this week. Ironic that I decided to start writing this at 1:00 am, no? My parents usually attended the show with my uncle who ran a store of his own in a different city. This year, for whatever reasons I cannot remember, my parents took all of us with them. The plan was to meet my uncle, who brought his two children with him and we’d stay in the hotel room for a few days while they were at the show. We were left mostly to our own devices.

After much debate, I’ve decided that my uncles children will go unnamed; not because I fear them getting in trouble but because I’ve not really communicated with them in a few years and I just don’t really feel right about it. So I’ll just call them thing 1 and thing 2. Thing 1 was older, about my age (at the time), and generally more level headed, although I believe at the time I thought that she was just mean.  Thing 2 on the other hand was hyper active and often being yelled at by thing 1 to calm down.

Vegas! This was a treat in itself. When it’s 20F degrees and snowing in Utah? Yes please! And to skip out of school in the process? OOOH yes! In full disclosure here: I don’t remember why this happened, and how my parents were suddenly okay with pulling us out of school for this. it’s likely that I simply didn’t question it. A chance to skip out of school for a week and run to Vegas? It felt like an illegal con that I could get away with even if I told everyone. Now, if my memory serves me, and it usually does, I would have been turning 15 that year which means it was my Freshman Year in high school. My eldest sister was 17 and had a job that she couldn’t skip out on. I remember that my mom wasn’t too thrilled about leaving her home, but there wasn’t much she could do about it.

The show lasted almost a week. My parents left us and our cousins, who had the adjoining room in the hotel, while they went to the convention. I think the idea was that one of us kids (likely the next oldest, Heather) would keep us in line. The first day we all had a little trepidation about being left in a hotel room in Vegas and we stayed in one room and played card games most of the day. I got seriously bored after a while and left. I wanted to explore a bit so I went out meandering around. I decided that I had been gone long enough so I went back towards the elevator. When I got in with someone else I asked them what floor, he told me and I punched the number. He thanked me and gave me 50 cents. And the light-bulb clicked on in my head. I went back down to the bottom floor held the door open and waited. I spent what seemed like an eternity escorting people up and down the elevators, taking them to their floor hoping that someone would tip the “Bellman.” I’d seen TV shows. I knew how this worked: rich people checking into hotels, rolling out 100$ bills like it was nobodies business. I had it all figured out. I couldn’t believe that no one else had come up with this idea first! I had it all to myself. I was going to go home a filthy rich person- Scrooge McDuck Style swimming in my money bin! Until my sister showed up and escorted me back to the room. When we returned she announced to everyone where she had found me. Someone asked me what I was doing. “I was making money.” Heather rolled her eyes at me so I held up the $2.50 in quarters that I made in the elevator. Everyone was shocked. I was disappointed: no $100 bills for me today. I saw it on the TeeVee so it had to be true!

The next series of events is a bit of a blur of time. I don’t know how many days had passed or what transpired to cause the next series of events to occur. I remember being pretty upset at Pauline because she’d stolen my idea! She was in the elevator day after day. Much to my relief, she always come back empty handed so I still felt superior; I hadn’t been one-up’d by my littler sister. I was going to be upset if she got that one guy who was going to roll out a $100 bill to her because she was “cute.” My cousins went to great lengths to convince me that she would be the first one and for no other reason than she was cuter than me. Well, that and girls are far superior to boys. I think I put on a brave front but I still worried inside. The next thing I remember is white buckets.

To us, these were not any ordinary buckets. They weren’t money buckets though. As much as I’d like to say that I made some serious bank, it didn’t happen. No, they were White Ice Buckets. The outside of the building had tall trees and a 2 foot divider between the windows, so you couldn’t look into the window of the room next to you. If you leaned out far enough, it was just enough that you could throw ice into the adjoining window. We spent a good long time attempting to throw ice at each other via the open windows. We all took turns leaning out the window to throw Ice. At first, we were all a little nervous about it but not because we were leaning out of the 3rd floor window. We were nervous because there was a cop car parked in the lot below. We reasoned it’d been there since before we came and that it was just parked here for some reason. We didn’t really think about it a whole lot at first. We were all having very little success in actually hitting the open window. More often than not, the ice would end up hitting the divider or the tree so we started arching the ice up to try and bounce it off the divider on the other side of their window. In the middle of this, we started hearing taunting from below. A couple of teenage boys on skateboards were taunting Thing 2. Thing 2, not wanting to shirk off a taunt, responded by throwing ice at them. They started picking up the ice we’d thrown at them and throwing it back. They couldn’t quite reach the window. Thing 2 ate this up. Watching it unfold was heavily entertaining. Until thing 2 made a throw that went wild. I wasn’t at the window at the time. I just know I heard someone say “thing 2 just hit the cop car with most of her bucket.” All of us froze for a second, nothing happened, but the boys looked at each other and bolted… fast. Thing 2, not to be dissuaded by the lack of encouragement just started throwing ice at everyone, at everything. Not 10 minutes later, another police car showed up. Thing 2 made another wild throw hitting the police car. Everyone’s jaws dropped and then we all dropped to the floor as fast as possible. We heard the car pull in and Heather ran to get Pauline (who was in the elevator). Thing 1 and 2 showed up in our room seconds later with two packs of cards. With everyone gathered in our room, we quickly handed out cards trying to seem as if we’d been in here the whole time. Everyone was being super quiet. When Heather and Pauline returned, Pauline was super confused and demanded, “what’s going on?!” Kristi blabbed, “Thing 2 hit a cop car with ice!” Pauline’s jaw dropped as ours all had and thing 1 got upset with Kristi chastising, “You shouldn’t have told her.”

Shortly later, our parents showed up. Everyone acted like all they had done was play cards all day. My uncle made a wise crack about how he was surprised we hadn’t all gotten in trouble yet. Glances went around the room, everyone looking at thing 2. Thing 2 didn’t look at anyone. I don’t think that anyone slept that night; I certainly didn’t.

The next day it rained and our ice-escapades were done. There wasn’t even a discussion about it. It was just silently mutually decided. My sisters all gathered in thing 1 and 2’s room except Pauline who had once again beat me to the elevator. I was upset: this had happened for multiple days in a row. I was feeling rejected and after the night of no sleep, I laid down and crashed. I awoke to a buzzing noise and then the sound of people in the hallway. I opened the door to see armed men in uniforms running the hallways. My first through was “THE POLICE FOUND US! WE’RE GOING TO JAIL!” I picked up the phone, called the next room and in a gasped voice explained to thing 1 what was going on. She relayed the information and Heather grabbed the phone, I was instructed to go to their room. I opened the door slowly, saw that the hallway was empty, and ran as fast as possible to their door. I got in, sat down, and thing 1 was handing out cards again. The buzzing noise continued for what seemed like forever. When it turned off we all stared at each other in silence, waiting for a knock at the door. The knock never came. So we sat in uneasy silence . Thing 1 looks at Pauline after she’d joined us from the elevator and says “What happened?” Pauline swears that she didn’t know. It just went off and she wasn’t sure why. They talked about hearing someone run down the halls but not thinking anything of it because people are just loud. Thing 2 just seemed to be relieved that it wasn’t her this time.

The next day, I didn’t have to race Pauline to the elevator, she didn’t want anything to do with it. Therefore I resumed being the Bellhop. About an hour or so in, no one had come and I decided I was done. I hadn’t made anything more than the $2.50 the first day, and as far as I knew Pauline had come up completely empty. As I reached down and hit the button for the floor I was staying on, the back of my hand hit something: a switch and then a loud buzzing noise happened. I panicked for a second then saw the huge red switch that said “Alarm.” I flipped it to the off position and it stopped. I laughed to myself and thought “Nope, I’m keeping that one to myself.”

It’s been 20+ years and some details are probably a little hazy. 99% of this happened exactly how I’ve described it. There is one detail that is intentionally incorrect. I’ve left it that way because it is something that everyone remembers; something that everyone else thinks happened. No one knows it isn’t true; except for me.

Overheard at the office:

“I’m a terrible person I know.”
“That doesn’t make you a terrible person. Don’t get me wrong, I do think you’re a terrible person, I just don’t think that’s why”.

Losing it in 3… 2… 1…

A few weeks ago and I were out playing  ingress. Near one of the portals was a Community Clinic, Some guy who was tweaked out of his fucking mind was sitting on the front porch singing Bible songs. Next second later, he’s screaming at some dude at the top of his lungs, just losing his shit everywhere. Ruth and I stood and watched for a second and moved on.

While we were taking out the next portal it occurred to me that watching that was a little like the crazy ass Splicers from Bioshock singing calmly “Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so.” Before they go apeshit on your ass.

After a while, I started to view police like Big Daddy’s, as long as I don’t get too close, they don’t care.

Wow what nut jobs… (Fallen Earth MMO)

Over Thanksgiving, my Brother in law was telling me about a Free MMO called “Fallen Earth” that’s available on Steam. The premise is that it’s some odd ball year far in the future like 2338, and the earth, as it were, has fallen. You’re a clone, which has been reproduced over and over again, inside the Hoover dam.
The Dam came under attack by renegades and you were killed only to be resurrected somewhere else 3 years later. There’s a whole story as to why this happened and why it took how long it did, but honestly I was so unimpressed by most of the game I wasn’t paying that close attention. The world is desolate, people are using horses heavily again because most mediums of electronic transport is gone. People have cars and motorcycles, but you have to build them yourself, they are expensive to maintain, and break down easily, gas has a shelf life and it’s not easy to find. There’s no “Armor” or “Weapon” Loot, its all scraps that you have to make “this item” and then “this item” and “this item” and use those to make this other item. It’s heavily crafting required. It’s really not a very impressive game.
So last Sunday night I was playing Fallen Earth, and out of the blue I get a clan invite for “The Last Christian Order” I figured… what the hell.. So I clicked join. I get welcomed in and I thanked them, and instantly ask them about their name. “Are you all Christian, or is it just a title? Like ‘Templar’?”
The response I got was lengthy, but basically yes. They are, they have “Christian values” no swearing, no sex talk. They expect you to hold up the Christian moral code according to the bible. I’m starting to think that these people have never really READ the bible… To top off that cake, every Sunday they have a “prayer meeting” over vent.
I thought, okay… I know a couple of WoW (World of Warcraft) Guilds like that… Short of the bible thing, and the prayer meeting, that shit is weird. Even the people in WoW know that you cannot enforce that, it’s completely unreasonable.

So I asked “Is it required that I attend the prayer meeting?”
“No, but it is heavily recommended. And if it’s more convenient, the vent meetings are all recorded and I can have it emailed to me. “

“Heavily Recommended” I read this as “Either go to the prayer meeting or we’ll send it to you in any shape possible… there will be a quiz to determine your worthiness for the gates of lies”
uh… huh…
”So would you take in an agnostic or atheist?”

The response I got was “Yes, it would be good for them to find god, those people need it more than most. We shall convert them”
And “God will set you free” was among other responses that hurt my head.

“Yeah, I don’t think I’m going to work here.”

And I left.
Why would you invite random people, that you have no previous knowledge about to your clan that is so very specific, with very specific requirements?  What a bunch of religious wack jobs.

Oh, and the UI is terrible…

I wish this dude would stop showing up….

So yesterday he shows up 40 minutes before my son’s birthday  party. This time dressed appropriately  for the constant rain we  get here.  Thanked us for our help the other night, and said  that he needed to be straight with us. He doesn’t live at the street down the house he occasionally  crashes there with a buddy and he’s a recovering cocaine/meth addict. He was  wondering we could spot him $3.50 for a day pass on the bus  so he can get to the hospital to get some antibiotics for a  viral infection “it’s in my blood and it causes blisters”. My  wife points how that an antibiotics isn’t going to work on a virus. “oh.. really?” He says  “I just need to get to a hospital, because there’s something wrong with me, it’s in my blood something needs to come out”  

My wife steps out of view and says “Take him to the downtown bus depot buy him a ticket and make sure he gets on the bus” while I’m getting my shoes on/coat He keeps apologizing, my  wife tells him that she’s glad that he’s trying to get clean,  and that she’ll accept his apologize after he’s clean. So we leave and on the way there he’s spouting off about how nice we  are and how he doesn’t know why he offers people money for  whatever when he doesn’t have any money. he keeps telling me about how it’s coming out of his pores, and it smells  terrible and how it hurts really bad. He says that getting clean is hard, it’s one of the hardest things he’s done since his mother died. (which I’m doubting at this point if his mother is dead) Then 5 minutes  later he says this will be easy. I’m just quiet as he rambles off  lots of things that make no sense. Then he tells me that I’m creeping him out. I tell him that he’s told me so many things that don’t match up, that I don’t know what to say. I ask him about his stripper friend that he was fucking. He said that she’s got a boyfriend and she’s a total cunt. He keeps saying that he’s happy to help out at all to pay back for the kindness we’ve shown him. Out of the blue he asks, “can I just stay with you?” then he takes it back “No. you’ve got enough going on” I tell him that I’ve got at least 7, 12 year olds showing up in the next 30 minutes, that’s not going to happen.  He Continues on thanking me for the help, and saying that he wants to repay our kindness. I keep repeating myself “you worry about getting clean, I’ll worry about my family” He keeps saying that “he is clean” and I tell him “You’ve just started you’ve got a long way  to go yet.”

 Suddenly he asks to borrow my  phone to call someone at the oxford house. he leaves a message  saying that he’s going to be at the library. I contend with him about the bus and he starts giving me shifty answers. He says he’s got no where to stay, I tell him the people at the Oxford house probably have information if they do rehab they should have it. 

I decide at this point if he wants the pass he’s walking in with me, no excuses or I walk. So I park at the depot and get out and tell him to get out and he tells me that he’s not going on and asks me to do it for him. of which I tell him no “if you wants help, if you want a hand out, you need to do your part. You are going to have to come in” He says that he can’t and he gives me this story about how the last time he was here, he was strung out and trying to sell drugs to people.

I told him that he needed to deal with reality, he said he will. I asked him “When? no better time then the present, and the longer you put it off the hard it’s going to get” He goes to shake my hand and he walks off. I get back in my car and my phone rings, and it’s the chick he called. Her name was nicky she’s from the oxford house which is in fact a rehab center.

She’s been trying to get a hold of him to get him to get to a meeting and get him checked in. So I flip my car around to try and find him, and  he’s long gone. So I take her number.

I get home relay the story to my wife, who takes the number. I take a walk down the street and talk to the owner. He’s never had anyone named Jake stay there. I pulled up his picture from his Facebook  and he, nor his son, nor his Girlfriend who lives next door, nor the neighbor has ever seen him.

Honestly, I swear I saw him walking towards my house as i left  this morning. No fucking clue how he found my house and how I got targeted.

So last night I’m on my way home and my wife calls me “Please tell me your 5 seconds from home” So I’m super curious and I ask why. Well some random guy knocked on the door, said that he’s lost his cell phone and his “roommate” has locked him out. Figured it would 15 minutes or so, she let him in, use the  phone and offered to let him wait for 15-20 minutes because it was raining, windy, and freezing outside, and my wife is ridiculously nice sometimes.  an hour and half later, he’s still sitting there.

It was starting to creep her out, and he could tell, because the guy went to great  lengths to prove he was, who he claimed to be. By giving her his  password and username into his email and Facebook accounts.

So I get home ask him to show me where he lives down the street.  The first thing I notice is that he’s covered Tattoo’s, and while that doesn’t bother me, it struck me as odd that he had a hollowed out star on his face.  We go for a short walk to where he lives, while out I ask how he ended up there. Craiglist apparently.  He’s been there like 2 weeks, he rents a room, says the owner is super anal to the point of telling him what he can and cannot do. I asked if he (the owner) was military, he said yes.  He goes on to tell me that he’s an MMA fighter (Think, UFC if you’re familiar) and going to “beauty school” and he tells me that he’s “Sometimes gay”.  

The first question in my head is “Sometimes gay?? how does that work?”  I decided that it was best that I didn’t ask.  

So I offer to give him a lift somewhere and he says take him to the stripper he’s fucking (and he’s sometimes gay!) it’s about 5 minutes away no big deal On the way he starts telling me about this chick and how she’s kinda not right in the head. The only thing I tell him is “Don’t stick your dick in crazy, you’ll regret it later”. He said that I should meet the girl he’s “banging” I’d like her, she knows his full legal name… Full.. legal name? Do you have a full illegal name? Again, another question I wanted to ask, but choose not to.

He then tells me that he wishes that I wasn’t tied into the “ old lady” because he knows a chick named Denise “who has an ass that goes on for days, who could use a nice ride.” My first thought was “she’s that fat?”Also… a stripper. supposedly… And, he’d like a “Buddy” to go to the strip bars with.

Dude talked endlessly, like he was trying to prove something. He even stated that he has his own ink gun and he’d do some ink for me for super cheap if I wanted it.  He said he was a welfare child and while his friends were doing beer runs he was doing Milk and egg runs because he needed to eat, but that’s gotten better since he stopped doing the gang thing.

They let “sometimes gay” into gangs these days? How very progressive of them.

I can’t even begin to remember everything he talked about on the drive.

So I get home and I start talking to my wife about it. He’s told her almost everything he told me. She notes  that he’s logged into his Facebook on the PS3 because she  didn’t want him upstairs in our bedroom, and I go through his profile. As far as I can tell everything he told me is legit. I was very very tempted to post something, but I didn’t want a reason for him to come back.

I’ve learned two things. 1) I really don’t like the phrase  “old lady” when used in conjunction with my wife.  2) We  have a saying here in Oregon, “Keep Oregon weird” but at times.. like this one, I wish it wasn’t the case.

‘You’re not a scary man!’

So the only people that showed were Jacoy and Dave, Which was ok. We still had fun…

We went to the corn maze out in West Jordan; I really thought it was going to be stupid. About half way through the line I turned to Dave and said “Ok, the goal is to scare the living shit out of every little shit that crosses our path.”
And Dave’s Eyes lit up like a flood light.
“ooohh ok”
And we did, at first it was simple. Follow them around quietly not them pass us and just suddenly scream, and of course they would shriek. And we had a couple that will stick with me in my memory for a long time. As well as a few exchanges with parents who thought I Was being mean. My reply usually was “its Halloween you brought your kids to a corn field to get scared. Well they got scared you got your moneys worth. And I enjoyed doing it”

There were several paths just wide enough for one person to get through, with these paths that with the almost full moon everything had an eerier shadow; That with me in my trench coat and black clothes made me nearly disappear in the shadows. There were these little corners everywhere, these three young girls. OH! That was the other thing I noticed almost all of the people that between the ages of 8 and 16 were all girls. very very few boys. Anyway Dave screamed or rather ROARED at them and they all jumped, and I would emerge out of the corn and just walk towards them fast. well they just would stand there frozen, The last time we did this I got really in the face of this girl who was bending backwards to avoid me, and I yelled “BOO!” she fell on her butt and started to scurry away on her hands and knees. Jacoy who saw it from a different angle said it really was probably quite terrifying scary because of the way the light from the moon and the shadows and my clothes that you couldn’t see Arms, legs, or body just this Floating black Mass and this face suddenly appears.

The people that “worked” there knew we were scaring the shit out of people. The guy dressed up as death came after me with his STICK. and he stopped and I turned and stared at his…. Mask. and he screamed and I Returned with in my Stewart-gayman voice “Oh that was sexy can I kiss you now?” and he just got pissed “Oh you fucking Faggot!” and I just laughed my ass off.

The best one which is still on my mind at this very second and I will probably never forget.
We were getting ready to leave, the number of people that were there diminishing and we were starting to run out of victims. We were starting to walk out when we could hear this girly chatter.. Dave ran down to the end of one of these corn rows runs back to me and says to follow him close behind and he’d duck into the corn and I could pop out from behind.

Well the Clothes that Dave were wearing; light blues and browns made him literally disappear into the corn.
so I followed Dave right on his heels, I had crouched down a little to hide myself a little bit. Dave got close enough to the girl that she had already flinched thinking that she was going to run into him. He ducked into the corn and I came to a full standing position with my fingers like claws and roared at her. She ducked cowered and screamed her head off…. and then Flight or flight kicked in. she saw that I wasn’t some crazy man in a mask, and she cocked her arm back and I thought I was going to get smacked. But she stopped and in this high pitched whiny scared shitless voice she screams
“You’re not a scary man! You CAN’T do that to ME!!!”
As if she was this all important person. I started laughing my butt off. And she started screaming at me
“GO fuck yourself.”
By this time she had walked on Shaking like crazy I might add. I was laughing so hard I could barely stand up. She was with 4 other people. The two people behind her were laughing their ass off.
One of them stopped and said “Don’t mind her she’s high.”
I was of shocked “What is she on?”
She replied “LSD”
I just about died, “OMG she’s going to have nightmares for a week!”
Her reply before she walked off was “I hope so maybe she’ll never do it again”
And the chick left I heard the girl I scared shitless scream over the corn field
Me: “ooooohh did the poor wittle girl get her feel bads hurt?”
Her: “Fuck you”
Me: “you wish”
Her “Kiss my ass!”
Me: “Then come here and Bare it!”
And she did come back, not to bare anything besides some more profanities.
She on about how mean it was for me to pick on some 8th graders. I made the comment that she was out past her curfew considering it was after 11:00 pm, and she needed to go home and let her mommy tuck her snuggly into her bed.
She of course screamed yet some more profane things and walked off.

I can still hear her voice in my head and it makes me laugh
“you’re not a scary man! You CAN’T do that to ME!!!”
And it was said so indigently AS if she thought that she had power over me, as if she was some political figure or my boss. It was so funny.

It reminds me of Cartman from South park “NO KITTY MY POT PIE!!”

We are defiantly doing this again.