Category: Humor


ANGUG ANGUS ANGUS!

For the first time in a few weeks I was able to get out for lunch and go for a walk. I’m enjoy the cool breeze and the sunshine  and the quiet.
when suddenly I hear this guy coming up behind me, and he’s talking, loudly to himself. I look up and made the foolish mistake of making eye contact, he takes this as some sort of open conversation invitation. He rides up next to me in the gutter and says…
“Do you know what’s better than 100% Angus?”
Taken aback by the perplexing and shocking question, of which I’m sure there’s a philosophical debate here about what constitutes as “Better”. However, the “correct” answer that this guy wanted so he’d be on his way and leave me in peace was totally lost on me.  I did the only reasonable thing I could do, I  shook my head and shrugged.
“200% Angus!”
It was at this moment,  that for whatever reason, my mouth ran off without me.
“No Sir!” I said
“You would be wrong! it would be 300% Angus!”
It was then, where I wondered if I had just opened the cage to a ravenous beast, as he gets this wildly excited look in his eye, like he just found someone who understands him
“MY GOD Damn! You are correct! That would be much better!”
And he rides off, pumping his fist in the air chanting “Angus, Angus, Angus…”
Somewhat relieved that this encounter was brief and not threatening of any kind, But then it happened. This is where I had to stop a second, and wonder
“What the fuck just happened?!”

I’m sitting in a coffee shop listening to a couple of conspiracy nut-jobs shoot their mouth off. This is a q quick synopsis of their current discussion.

Apparently, trump is somehow related to Hitler, genetically – And he is working for Hillary, and Bernie was only there it make it look like our choices matter. The whole election process is nothing but smoke and mirrors, and we are lead to believe that we have the freedom we think we do, but we really don’t. He (the man talking) doesn’t own a phone line or a microwave, because they are actually intrusion devices. They are trying to mind control the populace. America is secretly a communist government.

And We are selling uranium to Pakistan, because they are the worlds leader in technology, NASA gets the leftovers that Pakistan doesn’t want, and they have already stated a mars colony.

Teddie Roosevelt is the best president that we’d ever have, and we will never have one like him again.

There’s a little bit more of Anti Everyone speech, not excluding our current president.

They leave, and I start laughing, Across from me is a lady studying a college course. On the way out the one guy tells her goodbye. she waves, and she looks up to see me laughing to myself.

“That’s quite some story.”

“oooooh” She says. “That’s nothing, this was one of their calmer days. ”

“Wow, Really? ” yeah, She says “This country is in trouble.” “Oh I won’t Argue” I started “there’s something wrong with where we’re going, but being a conspiracy theorist nut job doesn’t help anyone”.  She snorts. “Nope.”

She goes back to her books, and I return to my phone.

30 minutes later another man walks in.

He strolls up the counter, and before he orders, he starts to to tell the barista that Trump has under the table deals with the Russian oligarchy – and he’s been doing slave exchanges. the barista looks someone annoyed, this must be very common place. She presses him for his order, she takes his money and starts making his drink all the while he’s rambling on about how Trumps slaves think they are free. She hands him the cup and he sits down, and starts talking to the guy in the table next to him.  who just looks at him like he’s an annoying child who won’t shut up.

A few minutes later another man walks in, and this guy gets accosted by the Trump oligarchy specialist. The new guy just grabs onto this and just Runs with it. the next few minutes he informs everyone in the room by saying louder than necessary that Hilary is going to get the presidency because it was decided by China. Because that’s how we’re paying China off, With international favors.

The next few moments were very very still, you could hear people’s scowls being staring at them over their coffee as if we just interrupted a British afternoon Tea.

The guy turns around and see’s my Pedometer, and tells me I shouldn’t be using that, because They are being used  as tracking devices so the U.S. military can use a drone strike against us citizens. All of them, all of the pedometers, even the mechanical ones are tracking devices.  I didn’t really know what to say to this, and I really didn’t want to fan the fire. The lady across from me, who has now donned ear buds to get the insanity out of her brain, still has her head down but her eyes are staring at me.  as if she’s saying “Better you, than me.”

“Really? All of them. Interesting, I’ll be sure to get rid of it then.”

“That’s right! he says, That’s what you should do.” At this point I gathered my belongings, told the lady that it was a pleasure to meet her, and good luck with her test.

I don’t think that I’ve ever been so entertained in a coffee shop in my life.

I was outside playing Ingress, there’s a few portals near my office and its quick walk, so I’m out there every day.  There’s a guy out there who I’ve only started to see just recently, I know he’s playing Pokémon. I know those portals are also Pokestops.  The only interaction I’ve had with this guy has been once I said “Pardon me” to get past one him one time when he was oblivious to the fact that he was wandering the whole sidewalk, and I really didn’t want to run into him.

So today I was out there by myself doing my thing, when he walks up, he looks at me at the same time I happen to glance at him. He gestures to his phone, and then following interaction happened.

Him: Pokémon?

Me: *confused look* Ingress

Him: What’s ingress?

Me: What’s Pokémon?

Him: *Jaw drop* How can you not know what Pokémon is?

I just shrugged at him, at this point he goes into a detailed summary of what it is.

My Jaw drops intentionally as he mentions some of the characters.

Me: So let me get this straight, you’re coming to invasion points to capture fictional characters in groups of 10’s of millions of people, while I’m trying to save the world from a legitimate alien invasion?… They really are winning, you are all under alien mind control, we’re screwed.

I walked off, leaving him with his jaw hanging open, like he cannot believe what he just heard. I cannot help but wonder, what’s going through his head at this moment.

Over the Christmas break my wife and I were in Utah. We stopped in at Walmart at 1:00 am to get some food, trying to live cheaply while we were in town. I took a quick bathroom break. On the way to the loo I ran across an old guy who looked tired, and resigned. I thought it was interesting to see him up and about at 1:00 am, but thought little else of it. I thought maybe he had a sleep disorder and he was lonely, maybe he goes out to find people to talk to. It didn’t seem that unlikely to me. I think I was closer than I knew.

I’m taking care of my business when I hear someone come in and occupy the stall next to me. When out of the blue I hear a voice, and I quickly realize it was the older man I saw outside.

him: Hey young man
Me: ….Hi
Him: How old are you.
Me: Uh.(Toss a saving throw) 47
Him: Well isn’t that funny.
Me: Why?
Him: I’m 74. (Pause) when you get to be my age things don’t come out as easily.
**Awkward Silence**
Me: Good to know…. What are you doing at Walmart at 1:00 am?
Him: Picking up chick’s.
*Stifled laugh*
Me: How is that working out for you?
Him: *exasperated sigh* Not very well in the last 20 years.
Me: Hrmm, Shame. Well, good luck with that.

I’m not really sure how to react to this. it was odd to say the least. I’m not one to converse with people I don’t know in the mens room. it’s like an unspoken rule that everyone sub-consciously just adheres too. Either way I hope he found someone to spend his time with. everyone deserves happiness.

My wife’s car is dirty….

So today we got a new car, It’s the wife’s car. so it’s one of those fancy cars where you can hook your phone up to it and make calls and receive text messages. It will also.. read your text messages to you while driving. I was fascinated by this and was cycling through her messages, when suddenly, I hear “I love the feel of my naked body in flannel sheets”

I turned looked at the wife and if it wasn’t dark I swear she’d be turning shades of a sunrise.

After a moment of silence she quickly says  “Okay.. that’s enough of that.”

Additional Context, I’m local IT for a hospital lab:

I got called into the histology lab to replace a mouse and keyboard. they have a machine they use that uses a lot of Paraffin wax, the wax had seeped into everything.

Trying to swap them out and I could not get a grip on the connectors; everything being covered with wax. I found a box of medical latex gloves and put them on, and proceeded to go about my work.

After the job was done, I was putting the devices in the electronic reclamation bin. Still wearing those gloves, I looked for a garbage can to dispense of my protective attire. I see the guy in materials, looking bored.

I walked up to him and he looked at me somewhat confused, We exchanged simple pleasantries, we’ve talked a bit over the last few months, After a while I noticed. he kept looking at me, and then the gloves on my hands, then back to him.  Noting this,  I simply said

“I really hate going into the highly contagious viral research section, they are really particular about putting gloves on before you touch anything. ”

I took the gloves off and threw them in his bin.

His eyes went as wide as dinner plates.

“DUDE!!! Don’t put those here!”

He then used his foot to push the can 6 inches further away. As if it doing this would actually help anything.

I waved it off with my hand dismissively, “Oh don’t worry so much, I’m sure anything that’s on there is benign. it’s not like I used them to mop up a spill. I’m certain that there’s nothing contagious. See you later!”

I turned and walked away.

I was chuckling to myself when I rant into one of the know pranksters in the lab, she asked was so funny. I explained the story to her and she rubbed her hands together and said

“Oh this will be a lot of fun, we love teasing him.” I was amused by this, expecting nothing.

About an hour later I get my to my IT room and his can is sitting outside of my door.

I picked up the can and returned it to him, leaving it on his desk, gloves still in it. I’m almost certain he’s going to put the can in the hazmat furnace and request a new one.

EDIT:

Fast Forward to Dec 3rd

I ran into one of the same Lab Tech who I regaled the story to shortly after it happened. I had the presence of mind to ask her what happened. She started laughing hard.

She and approached him and said “We heard that you might have some contaminated gloves in your garbage can, we had an Ebola Specimen come through earlier  today, would you like me to take care of those for you?”

This occurred sometime during the hour duration of when his can appeared outside of my IT room. I’m super glad that I didn’t follow my Impulse and take one of the gloves and wrap it over the top of his water bottle. I made sure to stop by and explain the scenario to him. He looked relieved, after I got done with the story he started laughing. I’m just glad that he was good natured about it.

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This is one of those posts that I should have written a long time ago but didn’t. My sister reminded me of this all-but-forgotten event over the Thanksgiving holiday this last year. When she told me I said, “You know, I should blog about that.” My dutiful wife sent me an email labeled “Unicorn poop, Migration of Jupiter into Uranus, and Ice chucking in Vegas.” What can I say: it was a fascinating conversation that wouldn’t have ever happened if I was at my parents house for the holiday. For the curious, I found that I had blogged about Uranus already. It’s somewhere: I’ll link it later. (Found it  https://obievil.wordpress.com/2008/03/07/migrating-into-uranus/  Warning you here tho, that post is NSFW. If you cannot handle raunchy suggestions, just don’t go there.) Just don’t ask about the Unicorn poop. Mostly because I don’t remember. I think it was just a tag to make me go “wtf? I wasn’t that drunk, was I?”

As I believe I have mentioned before, my parents run a home improvement business. They’ve sold and installed carpet, Vinyl, stoves, tile, cultured stone: the whole thing. My father was a jack of all trades- master of EVERYTHING. Last year I called him and said, “Hey, I need to fix a water leak in my sprinkler system.” He talked me through it. I called him and asked, “How do I replace an electronic trigger on my drill?” Again, he talked me through it. He’s probably forgotten more on home improvement and small electronics in the last year than I have ever known how to do.

I should state for the record that this happened in the early 90’s. Every year around the beginning of the year, my parents would attend the Surfaces Floor show in Vegas. In years past my parents had someone keep an eye on us or my eldest sister would. I looked up the show this year to find that it traditionally takes place this week. Ironic that I decided to start writing this at 1:00 am, no? My parents usually attended the show with my uncle who ran a store of his own in a different city. This year, for whatever reasons I cannot remember, my parents took all of us with them. The plan was to meet my uncle, who brought his two children with him and we’d stay in the hotel room for a few days while they were at the show. We were left mostly to our own devices.

After much debate, I’ve decided that my uncles children will go unnamed; not because I fear them getting in trouble but because I’ve not really communicated with them in a few years and I just don’t really feel right about it. So I’ll just call them thing 1 and thing 2. Thing 1 was older, about my age (at the time), and generally more level headed, although I believe at the time I thought that she was just mean.  Thing 2 on the other hand was hyper active and often being yelled at by thing 1 to calm down.

Vegas! This was a treat in itself. When it’s 20F degrees and snowing in Utah? Yes please! And to skip out of school in the process? OOOH yes! In full disclosure here: I don’t remember why this happened, and how my parents were suddenly okay with pulling us out of school for this. it’s likely that I simply didn’t question it. A chance to skip out of school for a week and run to Vegas? It felt like an illegal con that I could get away with even if I told everyone. Now, if my memory serves me, and it usually does, I would have been turning 15 that year which means it was my Freshman Year in high school. My eldest sister was 17 and had a job that she couldn’t skip out on. I remember that my mom wasn’t too thrilled about leaving her home, but there wasn’t much she could do about it.

The show lasted almost a week. My parents left us and our cousins, who had the adjoining room in the hotel, while they went to the convention. I think the idea was that one of us kids (likely the next oldest, Heather) would keep us in line. The first day we all had a little trepidation about being left in a hotel room in Vegas and we stayed in one room and played card games most of the day. I got seriously bored after a while and left. I wanted to explore a bit so I went out meandering around. I decided that I had been gone long enough so I went back towards the elevator. When I got in with someone else I asked them what floor, he told me and I punched the number. He thanked me and gave me 50 cents. And the light-bulb clicked on in my head. I went back down to the bottom floor held the door open and waited. I spent what seemed like an eternity escorting people up and down the elevators, taking them to their floor hoping that someone would tip the “Bellman.” I’d seen TV shows. I knew how this worked: rich people checking into hotels, rolling out 100$ bills like it was nobodies business. I had it all figured out. I couldn’t believe that no one else had come up with this idea first! I had it all to myself. I was going to go home a filthy rich person- Scrooge McDuck Style swimming in my money bin! Until my sister showed up and escorted me back to the room. When we returned she announced to everyone where she had found me. Someone asked me what I was doing. “I was making money.” Heather rolled her eyes at me so I held up the $2.50 in quarters that I made in the elevator. Everyone was shocked. I was disappointed: no $100 bills for me today. I saw it on the TeeVee so it had to be true!

The next series of events is a bit of a blur of time. I don’t know how many days had passed or what transpired to cause the next series of events to occur. I remember being pretty upset at Pauline because she’d stolen my idea! She was in the elevator day after day. Much to my relief, she always come back empty handed so I still felt superior; I hadn’t been one-up’d by my littler sister. I was going to be upset if she got that one guy who was going to roll out a $100 bill to her because she was “cute.” My cousins went to great lengths to convince me that she would be the first one and for no other reason than she was cuter than me. Well, that and girls are far superior to boys. I think I put on a brave front but I still worried inside. The next thing I remember is white buckets.

To us, these were not any ordinary buckets. They weren’t money buckets though. As much as I’d like to say that I made some serious bank, it didn’t happen. No, they were White Ice Buckets. The outside of the building had tall trees and a 2 foot divider between the windows, so you couldn’t look into the window of the room next to you. If you leaned out far enough, it was just enough that you could throw ice into the adjoining window. We spent a good long time attempting to throw ice at each other via the open windows. We all took turns leaning out the window to throw Ice. At first, we were all a little nervous about it but not because we were leaning out of the 3rd floor window. We were nervous because there was a cop car parked in the lot below. We reasoned it’d been there since before we came and that it was just parked here for some reason. We didn’t really think about it a whole lot at first. We were all having very little success in actually hitting the open window. More often than not, the ice would end up hitting the divider or the tree so we started arching the ice up to try and bounce it off the divider on the other side of their window. In the middle of this, we started hearing taunting from below. A couple of teenage boys on skateboards were taunting Thing 2. Thing 2, not wanting to shirk off a taunt, responded by throwing ice at them. They started picking up the ice we’d thrown at them and throwing it back. They couldn’t quite reach the window. Thing 2 ate this up. Watching it unfold was heavily entertaining. Until thing 2 made a throw that went wild. I wasn’t at the window at the time. I just know I heard someone say “thing 2 just hit the cop car with most of her bucket.” All of us froze for a second, nothing happened, but the boys looked at each other and bolted… fast. Thing 2, not to be dissuaded by the lack of encouragement just started throwing ice at everyone, at everything. Not 10 minutes later, another police car showed up. Thing 2 made another wild throw hitting the police car. Everyone’s jaws dropped and then we all dropped to the floor as fast as possible. We heard the car pull in and Heather ran to get Pauline (who was in the elevator). Thing 1 and 2 showed up in our room seconds later with two packs of cards. With everyone gathered in our room, we quickly handed out cards trying to seem as if we’d been in here the whole time. Everyone was being super quiet. When Heather and Pauline returned, Pauline was super confused and demanded, “what’s going on?!” Kristi blabbed, “Thing 2 hit a cop car with ice!” Pauline’s jaw dropped as ours all had and thing 1 got upset with Kristi chastising, “You shouldn’t have told her.”

Shortly later, our parents showed up. Everyone acted like all they had done was play cards all day. My uncle made a wise crack about how he was surprised we hadn’t all gotten in trouble yet. Glances went around the room, everyone looking at thing 2. Thing 2 didn’t look at anyone. I don’t think that anyone slept that night; I certainly didn’t.

The next day it rained and our ice-escapades were done. There wasn’t even a discussion about it. It was just silently mutually decided. My sisters all gathered in thing 1 and 2’s room except Pauline who had once again beat me to the elevator. I was upset: this had happened for multiple days in a row. I was feeling rejected and after the night of no sleep, I laid down and crashed. I awoke to a buzzing noise and then the sound of people in the hallway. I opened the door to see armed men in uniforms running the hallways. My first through was “THE POLICE FOUND US! WE’RE GOING TO JAIL!” I picked up the phone, called the next room and in a gasped voice explained to thing 1 what was going on. She relayed the information and Heather grabbed the phone, I was instructed to go to their room. I opened the door slowly, saw that the hallway was empty, and ran as fast as possible to their door. I got in, sat down, and thing 1 was handing out cards again. The buzzing noise continued for what seemed like forever. When it turned off we all stared at each other in silence, waiting for a knock at the door. The knock never came. So we sat in uneasy silence . Thing 1 looks at Pauline after she’d joined us from the elevator and says “What happened?” Pauline swears that she didn’t know. It just went off and she wasn’t sure why. They talked about hearing someone run down the halls but not thinking anything of it because people are just loud. Thing 2 just seemed to be relieved that it wasn’t her this time.

The next day, I didn’t have to race Pauline to the elevator, she didn’t want anything to do with it. Therefore I resumed being the Bellhop. About an hour or so in, no one had come and I decided I was done. I hadn’t made anything more than the $2.50 the first day, and as far as I knew Pauline had come up completely empty. As I reached down and hit the button for the floor I was staying on, the back of my hand hit something: a switch and then a loud buzzing noise happened. I panicked for a second then saw the huge red switch that said “Alarm.” I flipped it to the off position and it stopped. I laughed to myself and thought “Nope, I’m keeping that one to myself.”

It’s been 20+ years and some details are probably a little hazy. 99% of this happened exactly how I’ve described it. There is one detail that is intentionally incorrect. I’ve left it that way because it is something that everyone remembers; something that everyone else thinks happened. No one knows it isn’t true; except for me.

Favoritism!

Co-worker 1: I hate my new password.

Co-worker 2: Why?

Co-worker 1: Because it’s not my old password.

 

No, really, that’s it today.

Overheard at the office:

“I’m a terrible person I know.”
“That doesn’t make you a terrible person. Don’t get me wrong, I do think you’re a terrible person, I just don’t think that’s why”.