1.  My daughter was telling us about a substitute teacher that she had at school. She ended her sentence with “he’s a fun guy” to which I responded “he’s a mushroom?” she looked at me as if I had just lost my marbles. Worth it.
  2. I want to see someone get up behind the pulpit of a church, and use the first verse of Oingo Boingo’s ‘Insanity’ as part of their sermon.
  3. My wife parked on a frozen snowbank I stepped on it and said “hey look! I’m Jesus!”
  4. “I didn’t know that Walmart had a sex section, look it says lube express”
  5. I imagine the theme song of someone who spouse has restless leg syndrome is AC/DC’s “you shook me all night long!”
  6. Our waiter said that he got in trouble when he served a beer to someone and said “would you like a water? or is that watery enough for you.” (Beer in Utah is 3.2%)
  7. Beer? in Utah? No way, my Urine has a higher ABV than what you can serve here.
  8. “there’s not enough legitimate lesbian porn”
  9. Overheard at the office:
    W1: He deleted it off my whiteboard
    W2: let’s think about what you just said.
  10. Overheard at a my Child’s school talent show. “this is worse than having Winnie the pooh shove LSD down my throat. “
  11. “Tator tots and sunshine, it doesn’t get much better than that.”