Archive for March, 2014


My wife Accidentally gave my phone number out to a company that’s going to call me after work and try to get me to spend money. Rather than ignoring the phone call, I’m going to pick it up in the Voice of Gollem, and repeatedly ask them if they have my precious.
—–

So… They called an hour earlier than what they were requested. And I answered, as Gollem. He asked for me and I just kind of mumbled and finished with “what?” The guy paused Momentarily on the phone, then just started going off on his speech, clearly not really paying attention to me at all. so I interrupted him.

“Do you have my precious?”

He stops.. and for a second there’s dead air.

“I’m.. sorry?”
“My Precious! Do you have my precious?”

*More dead air for a moment. I hear clicking in the background. no doubt checking to make sure he called the right number.*

“Is this Wayne?”

“Why? Does he have my precious?”

More dead Air

“I’m slightly confused.”

“It’s simple, do you have my precious-es?”

*Deep sigh from the phone. * “Sir, you aren’t being very professional.”

“Professional? Listen to him precious he talks about professional, calling people with lies , making people feel safe and false hope so they can steal my precious-es.”

I hear him make a noise.. I’m not sure if it’s a laugh, or a scoff, it cuts off quickly, he obviously has muted me. A moment later he comes back.

“When you decide that you want to be serious about what I..”

I got pretty emphatic at this point, clearly he deserved it. Obviously he wasn’t listening to me at all!

“I am being serious, I’m being serious that I want my precious” 

*more dead air*

“Good bye sir”

If you’re going to fish for money, expect someone to go outside of the box.

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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Walking through the orchard across the street from my office that got destroyed after that snowstorm
Wife: why?
Me: because, it looks cool. Honestly, it’s kind of creepy. it’s like the type of thing that you’d find that borders a haunted Mansion.
Wife: except there’s no mansion
Me: but what if I was to accidentally step through a dimensional portal and get lost? Then forced to take refuge in the mansion at night fall, only to be attacked and maybe killed by a possessed suit of armor?
Wife:….
Me: Did I just write an episode of Buffy?
Wife: yeah, I think you did.

  1.  My daughter was telling us about a substitute teacher that she had at school. She ended her sentence with “he’s a fun guy” to which I responded “he’s a mushroom?” she looked at me as if I had just lost my marbles. Worth it.
  2. I want to see someone get up behind the pulpit of a church, and use the first verse of Oingo Boingo’s ‘Insanity’ as part of their sermon.
  3. My wife parked on a frozen snowbank I stepped on it and said “hey look! I’m Jesus!”
  4. “I didn’t know that Walmart had a sex section, look it says lube express”
  5. I imagine the theme song of someone who spouse has restless leg syndrome is AC/DC’s “you shook me all night long!”
  6. Our waiter said that he got in trouble when he served a beer to someone and said “would you like a water? or is that watery enough for you.” (Beer in Utah is 3.2%)
  7. Beer? in Utah? No way, my Urine has a higher ABV than what you can serve here.
  8. “there’s not enough legitimate lesbian porn”
  9. Overheard at the office:
    W1: He deleted it off my whiteboard
    W2: let’s think about what you just said.
  10. Overheard at a my Child’s school talent show. “this is worse than having Winnie the pooh shove LSD down my throat. “
  11. “Tator tots and sunshine, it doesn’t get much better than that.”