So last night I’m on my way home and my wife calls me “Please tell me your 5 seconds from home” So I’m super curious and I ask why. Well some random guy knocked on the door, said that he’s lost his cell phone and his “roommate” has locked him out. Figured it would 15 minutes or so, she let him in, use the  phone and offered to let him wait for 15-20 minutes because it was raining, windy, and freezing outside, and my wife is ridiculously nice sometimes.  an hour and half later, he’s still sitting there.

It was starting to creep her out, and he could tell, because the guy went to great  lengths to prove he was, who he claimed to be. By giving her his  password and username into his email and Facebook accounts.

So I get home ask him to show me where he lives down the street.  The first thing I notice is that he’s covered Tattoo’s, and while that doesn’t bother me, it struck me as odd that he had a hollowed out star on his face.  We go for a short walk to where he lives, while out I ask how he ended up there. Craiglist apparently.  He’s been there like 2 weeks, he rents a room, says the owner is super anal to the point of telling him what he can and cannot do. I asked if he (the owner) was military, he said yes.  He goes on to tell me that he’s an MMA fighter (Think, UFC if you’re familiar) and going to “beauty school” and he tells me that he’s “Sometimes gay”.  

The first question in my head is “Sometimes gay?? how does that work?”  I decided that it was best that I didn’t ask.  

So I offer to give him a lift somewhere and he says take him to the stripper he’s fucking (and he’s sometimes gay!) it’s about 5 minutes away no big deal On the way he starts telling me about this chick and how she’s kinda not right in the head. The only thing I tell him is “Don’t stick your dick in crazy, you’ll regret it later”. He said that I should meet the girl he’s “banging” I’d like her, she knows his full legal name… Full.. legal name? Do you have a full illegal name? Again, another question I wanted to ask, but choose not to.

He then tells me that he wishes that I wasn’t tied into the “ old lady” because he knows a chick named Denise “who has an ass that goes on for days, who could use a nice ride.” My first thought was “she’s that fat?”Also… a stripper. supposedly… And, he’d like a “Buddy” to go to the strip bars with.

Dude talked endlessly, like he was trying to prove something. He even stated that he has his own ink gun and he’d do some ink for me for super cheap if I wanted it.  He said he was a welfare child and while his friends were doing beer runs he was doing Milk and egg runs because he needed to eat, but that’s gotten better since he stopped doing the gang thing.

They let “sometimes gay” into gangs these days? How very progressive of them.

I can’t even begin to remember everything he talked about on the drive.

So I get home and I start talking to my wife about it. He’s told her almost everything he told me. She notes  that he’s logged into his Facebook on the PS3 because she  didn’t want him upstairs in our bedroom, and I go through his profile. As far as I can tell everything he told me is legit. I was very very tempted to post something, but I didn’t want a reason for him to come back.

I’ve learned two things. 1) I really don’t like the phrase  “old lady” when used in conjunction with my wife.  2) We  have a saying here in Oregon, “Keep Oregon weird” but at times.. like this one, I wish it wasn’t the case.