Archive for June, 2012


Reflection of thoughts.

10 years ago I did a write up of things I’ve learned in my first quarter century of life. Today I’m finding myself doing the same self reflection. I’ve had a few things occur to me.

 

I’ve moved 13 times in last 10 years, 6 of those moves occurred during the years of 2002-2005. In 2010, I moved out of Utah and into Oregon, and I’m on my second move in Oregon. My wife wants to move again in a few years. Looking back, since I turned 18, I’ve moved 26 times, and spent about a year pretty much homeless. I spent a while sleeping in parks or in my car because I had nowhere to go. When I signed a year lease back in 2003 I just about went into a panic attack. 26 moves in 17 years, that’s absurd; it’s no wonder that I’d rather not move again for a very long time.

 

In 2004 worked for a Video game company, Turbine Inc. Which that is an experience I would never trade. I look back at it now and I See that my passion for what I was doing combined with Domestic issues with my ex wife and my kids made me blind, emotional, and a bit unstable and sometimes I reacted rather… childishly at times. A part of me wishes I could correct those mistakes. At times I long for the work that I did then; it was sometimes long hours but I loved what I did, so I didn’t mind doing it. That was cut short because of Life expectancy given to my son, which when he got to that point and he pulled through it and I was relieved. We thought he was gone.

 

Between the years of 2003-2006 I ended up burning a LOT of bridges, none of them intentional. There are some of those friendships I was sad to lose, others I’m okay with being gone. A few I’ve tried to revitalize, and often I was met with very spiteful hateful words. Some of those hurt when it turned out that way. Other previous friendships, I’m not even willing to breech. I find that I have completely apathy to 95% of the people I went to school with. Recently I’ve discovered that some people that I thought were my friends and I respected, are not as open minded as I thought, it’s made me very sad. It’s only a matter of time before that bridge erodes and fades. I’ll be sad to lose those people.

 

In 2007 it was discovered that I had Testicular cancer. I found that the insurance I thought I had I didn’t. They had the open enrollment and changed the plans. I was told that if I did nothing my electives stayed the same, I Would be moved to the equivalent health plan; It turned out however, to be not true. I found that it would have cost us about $40k. According to the IRS a “Life changing event” would enable you to change your insurance without it being open enrollment. Ruth and I had both been fresh out of our previous divorces for just over a year at that point, but without a “life changing event” There’s no way we could afford the proper health care. Ruth and I got married so I could change my insurance so it wouldn’t completely kill us financially. We didn’t tell anyone for more than a year. The only people that knew were two of my best friends, because they were our witnesses. When people found out, the number of family members who said “well aren’t you one for secrets, you used to tell me everything.” was astounding. We were both perplexed, neither of us told anyone anything, what we did tell people was barely a skim of the actual truth. The audacity of it made us both roll our eyes at how well people thought they knew us. I managed to escape cancer with no chemo because it didn’t appear necessary. My Oncologist was not happy about this, but relented anyway. In the end, it wasn’t necessary. I’m grateful for that.

 

I changed jobs in 2008 to another one which I Was going on 14 months of employment just to get laid off 2 weeks before Christmas after 3 months of unemployment; I got the offer from the job I’m currently in. About a year in we got the option to move from Utah to Oregon. One of the best moves I’ve ever done for myself and my family. A lot of people thought we were moving here to “save our marriage” That was not the way of it. There was for a myriad of other reasons, including getting out of Utah.

 

September of last year I bought my first house. There’s something to be said about working on my own property that I own. Mowing the lawn and doing yard work is much more satisfying.

 

 

April 9th 2007, my cancer was removed. April 9th 2012 I got a Mario 1-up Tattoo, it’s about the size of a golf ball on my forearm.  it’s a reminder that 1) I survived cancer, lots of people don’t 2) Having survived cancer without chemo is a reminder that I got super lucky, and 3)it’s like getting an extra life, and to not waste it.

 

Now, here we are, June of 2012. I’ve Survived through several near death experiences, several cross country drives, Cancer, and the rapture. (*whew*) And people discovered more Mayan Calendars that extend beyond 2012. SO those believers who didn’t want to understand that the rocks are wrong, and the last baktun ended in the 70’s can calm down and stop panicking, I expect people will find something else to be afraid of.

 

Looking forward the rest of my life I can’t help but wonder what will happen. I have realized that life is precious and we don’t spend enough time with our loved ones. To realize that when they are gone it’s over, it makes that time far more precious than anything else. The only things you have left are your memories.

 

Unfortunately society as a whole is so scared, we are so afraid of there being nothing after death that we plead for there for there to be salvation of this life, which it has sent people in a panic that has lasted 10,000+ years. We need to stop pretending that we’re part of a higher, more divine purpose, that we’ll be rewarded with eternal bliss. I look and see that life is far more precious than we allow it to be. For our hands and bodies to be composed of the stars of the universe would be to some be considered a miracle. I consider it to be awesome, human life is so fragile and short in terms of the age of this world.

 

We are the only species in the world that became aware of its existence. We are the first to contemplate the nature of reality. We stand alone in understanding the concept of a better world and we have the only minds that can make dreams possible. We have proven time and again that when we put our efforts together we have the power to achieve greatness. Our unprecedented sense of love and compassion has moved us to found societies and freedom and justice and we have manifested our wisdom and ingenuity in great wonders throughout the world.

 

Only when we accept that we’re not going to live forever will we be able to truly appreciate the short spark of our existence and live our lives fulfilled. Only when we come to terms with our true nature will we be able to divert from our brute heritage and create a society where we can share the world together. Only when we base our knowledge on facts and evidence will we be able to connect with the true wonder of the universe and celebrate the miracle of life. And only when we realize that we are the authors of our own future will we be ready to leap out from our current ideals and break the locks that we’ve tied ourselves too that we will  be able to expand ourselves to become a part of a new civilization.

 

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