My wife and I spent the better part of the last two weeks in Utah, really not at our choice; but we roll with the punches. So while we were sans kids for a few days we realized that we have some really bizarre conversations when the kids are not around. Many of them came at the oddest of times.  Since last week was Christmas, and my wife has this love of pretty lights, and we were in Utah – we went to downtown Salt Lake City looking at Christmas lights; because it’s always full of pretty lights. This is absolutely more for her than me. I couldn’t care less about ‘pretty lights’. This also happens to be in the Mormon Temple square area because that’s where they do the most lights. This is my wife’s thing; she loves Christmas lights even if she has to tolerate some religious bullshit in the middle of it. However, every once in a while she surprises me.

On the top of all of the Mormon temples is a statue of an angel with a huge horn. So my wife looks at it starts laughing and says “You know from this far away, all I can see is a long tube with a ball on the end. I can’t tell if that’s’ a horn, a bong, or if he’s giving someone a blowjob.” Yup, babe, you nailed it. He’s giving god a blowjob.”

I’m not sure if anyone heard that, but I’m pretty certain that most people would either find that offensive, or amusing. While most of the people we ran into were nice enough, there were those that made you want to slap them and make obscure references to pagan rituals that they are destroying for the sake of an invisible man in the sky.

I digress.

Having spent most of my youth in Utah, you learn a few things. Even with 40 inches of snow on the ground it’s very dry, and as a result we were drinking a lot of water. After a few hours of wandering downtown Salt Lake city I find that I have the need to relieve myself. So I tell her that we need to find a bathroom. Since we happen to just be outside of the temple square she suggests we go into the square and find a visitor center.

I really didn’t want to go into the Square.  It was not that it wasn’t shoulder to shoulder like in years past. It wasn’t even the religious symbolism everywhere, or the fact that people were peddling their beliefs inside like a 2nd hand flea market. It didn’t even make me uncomfortable. If anything it amused me that I’m atheist on the “concentrated” Mormon church grounds taking pictures for the sake of what kind of elegance I can get out of lights more than the architecture or the surroundings. In the end, it was purely that I didn’t feel like traversing inside.

I told her that the only reason why I’d step foot in the square again tonight is if I could go over to the nativity scene and pee on baby Jesus.

She hit me saying it was mean and pretty offensive. Okay fine, but I still refuse to go inside.

The next logical choice is a train depot just down the street. For anyone who’s never seen the light rail in SLC it’s a matter of simplicity. They have tons of little stations but the main depot is downtown. It’s an old Union Pacific Railroad building next to an outdoor mall. This station with the people that are here and the sheer distance is 10 minutes away, but because we had to walk to the train  and Murphy being a cruel mistress, we just missed it. It had just left, so we wait. It was closer to 25 minutes by the time it arrives.  As the train pulled up to the station in front of the UP Building, I’m starting to see yellow, my bladder is screaming at it because it’s very cold, and my bladder doesn’t like the cold. When the train stops I Walk/Run inside to find out that the bathroom is locked and closed for the night. I was standing there stammering trying to think of the next closest place. My wife looks at me and says “Maybe you should have pee’d on baby Jesus.”

Laughing when I have to pee this bad is no laughing matter, Thankfully I found a Barnes and Noble not too far away.